that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
