I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
