i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
