That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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