Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's the barista slut.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
