no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just google imaged poop.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
