I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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