I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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