I'm really into asian looking animals
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
