Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
