It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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