That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
