apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
