Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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