i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
