so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
