How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
