Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
How's work?
Spinning.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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