I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
