Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
