Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
ttyl tear gas
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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