You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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