I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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