im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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