How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
