He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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