Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
