yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Your dad touched me again.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
