If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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