My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
