She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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