I cannot find my penis.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm at about main and main street
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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