Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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