How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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