I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
