My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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