Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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