The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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