My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
