Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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