No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
