So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
