She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
