My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
