Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
