His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
