Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
