I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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