I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
