please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
