life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
