I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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