Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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