well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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