I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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