Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
