He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
