I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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