i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
