I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
